Gender Confusion
Posted: Thu Feb 08, 2018 7:59 pm
Irina Klusch posted....
Since as long as I can remember, I have been discontent with my biological sex
and with the gender roles associated with it. I have always been that odd,
feminine boy nobody wanted to play with. You know, the one all the boys bullied
and called a ‘fag’. Due to this innate femininity of mine I was irrevocably shunned
by my birth sex. In time, I accepted it and shunned males and maleness too. I
proudly proclaimed myself neuter, gender-less, standing at the border between the
two genders, blatantly refusing to pick a side. At that age, I could still get
away with it. Then I grew up. Gender stopped being something trivial and funny.
It became something serious, concrete. Breaking the gender rules was a veritable
crime, harshly punished with scolding, yellings and beatings. I never questioned
my gender identity before those hours of ‘discipline’. After them, I started doing
it. For the first time in my entire life, Doubt, like a malicious spider, spins
its wicked web inside my mind and heart. The evil flowers of uncertainty and confusion
bloomed inside my soul. I was forced to pick side. Either be a feminine man, ridiculed
and bullied by all, unwanted and unloved, or a transsexual woman, depressed and disowned
by her family, bankrupt from all of her surgeries. Neither of these possible realities
excited me. I wanted to be myself again, but this faceless, omnipotent entity, the
proverbial Society, didn't allow me to. I only had those two choices; everything else
was inhuman and impossible. By refusing to choose, I was apparently renouncing
my humanity.
The uncertainty and the fear only grew stronger.
Am I a boy?
Am I a girl?
Do I even have a choice in all of this?
I will never know.
I just want to be human.
Wade says, "Comments, anyone? This has now become a political issue as well..."
Since as long as I can remember, I have been discontent with my biological sex
and with the gender roles associated with it. I have always been that odd,
feminine boy nobody wanted to play with. You know, the one all the boys bullied
and called a ‘fag’. Due to this innate femininity of mine I was irrevocably shunned
by my birth sex. In time, I accepted it and shunned males and maleness too. I
proudly proclaimed myself neuter, gender-less, standing at the border between the
two genders, blatantly refusing to pick a side. At that age, I could still get
away with it. Then I grew up. Gender stopped being something trivial and funny.
It became something serious, concrete. Breaking the gender rules was a veritable
crime, harshly punished with scolding, yellings and beatings. I never questioned
my gender identity before those hours of ‘discipline’. After them, I started doing
it. For the first time in my entire life, Doubt, like a malicious spider, spins
its wicked web inside my mind and heart. The evil flowers of uncertainty and confusion
bloomed inside my soul. I was forced to pick side. Either be a feminine man, ridiculed
and bullied by all, unwanted and unloved, or a transsexual woman, depressed and disowned
by her family, bankrupt from all of her surgeries. Neither of these possible realities
excited me. I wanted to be myself again, but this faceless, omnipotent entity, the
proverbial Society, didn't allow me to. I only had those two choices; everything else
was inhuman and impossible. By refusing to choose, I was apparently renouncing
my humanity.
The uncertainty and the fear only grew stronger.
Am I a boy?
Am I a girl?
Do I even have a choice in all of this?
I will never know.
I just want to be human.
Wade says, "Comments, anyone? This has now become a political issue as well..."